A Means of Getting Home.

I'm so lost within myself at the moment. I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't know what to believe, myself or the lies I tell myself. Everyday I find myself in a different position; a person I know, or a person I don't. I'm tied between the person I was, the person I am, the person I've becoming and the person I want to be. God it's so damn hard.

Most frequently I've been able to surprise myself. Every time I seam to think things are going wrong, something very spontaneous and strange occurs. Sorta like a last night type situation. Neve rin my wild dreams would I ever think of apologizing to you, but after last night, I felt like a complete douche for everything that happened between us in the past. I don't want our mistakes towards each other to ruin the possibilities of good times and friendships. Its strange how people change, and grow up.

People who I thought were there for me apparently aren't. Don't say one thing when you mean the exact other. If you cared, like I did, you would call. You would care how I was doing or how my life was going. But no, you shrug me off as If you've never known me and I'm just an annoying little gnat in your ear that won't go away. Fuck you.

I have no friends anymore. No one calls, no one cares, no one makes an effort to keep in contact with me. And even those who do, never come through with what they say they'll do. Don't tell me how much you miss me and want to hang out with me if you just plan on never calling or keeping your word. People need to learn how to live up to their own promises. I've never broken a promise to you, what gives you the right to break one made to me? Whats worse is that I constantly give you the benefit of the doubt and forgive you time after time. Maybe I should start treating you the way you treat me. Douche bag.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm just generally frustrated, confused, and not myself.

It's hard making yourself into something your not.

But yet, that person has become yourself.

Am I holding back my true self?

I wish there was a Idiot's Guide to Life.

Maybe then I could get the answers I need.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.